Safe People

Key idea 1

Unsafe individuals can bring negativity and disrupt your well-being.

Think about that college girlfriend you still find yourself dwelling on—the one who shattered your heart during sophomore year. Or consider the work colleague you thought might become a close friend, only to discover their tendency to harshly criticize everyone around them.

These are examples of unsafe people—individuals whose presence often does more harm than good.

The takeaway is clear: Unsafe people can be harmful and contribute to your unhappiness.

Unsafe people can be categorized into three groups, with the first being abandoners. These individuals dive into relationships with enthusiasm but struggle to maintain them over time. Imagine dating an abandoner: the relationship might begin with excitement—long conversations, thoughtful gestures, romantic dinners, and gifts. However, this initial spark often fades as the relationship progresses, especially when imperfections come to light. Abandoners shy away from genuine intimacy and tend to walk away when perfection proves unattainable.

The second group of unsafe people consists of critics. These individuals can be great problem-solvers, making them a go-to when you need advice or analysis. However, their motivation often stems from a desire to judge and correct others rather than from genuine compassion or a willingness to help. Their focus on finding flaws can overshadow any support they offer.

The third group is made up of the irresponsibles—those who are unreliable and inconsistent. Picture a friend with whom you made dinner plans weeks in advance, agreeing to meet at 7:00 p.m., only for them to show up 30 minutes late without a hint of apology. While irresponsibles may bring spontaneity and fun to your life, their lack of dependability makes it hard to rely on them when it matters.

What ties all these groups together is their inability or unwillingness to foster genuine closeness—both with others and with God. Allowing such individuals into your life without carefully considering their influence can lead to dissatisfaction and, over time, may even prove harmful.

Up next, we’ll explore how to identify unsafe people by examining their defining personality traits.

Key idea 2

Identifying unsafe people is essential to creating a circle of safe, supportive individuals.

At first glance, meeting a fellow Christian might seem like a great way to find safe people. However, don’t rush to conclusions! Being a self-declared Christian doesn’t automatically make someone safe. Often, unsafe individuals may appear highly moral but are more focused on being religious than spiritual. Their decisions are guided by rigid dogma and rules rather than compassion and human understanding.

Key takeaway: Spotting unsafe people is the first step to surrounding yourself with safe ones.

Unsafe people rarely admit their weaknesses, which often creates an imbalance in relationships. Over time, this imbalance can lead to resentment. The “weak” party may feel frustrated by always being subordinate to the “strong” one.

These individuals are also defensive and resistant to feedback. While they’re quick to point out flaws in others, they rarely reflect on their own behavior. Even when confronted, their apologies—if offered—tend to be superficial. True apologies come with a commitment to change, but unsafe people often lack the humility or desire for self-improvement. Believing they are perfect, they resist growth and remain stuck in their ways.

If this sounds discouraging, take comfort in knowing the world isn’t full of unsafe people. There are many who willingly acknowledge their flaws and are committed to personal growth. Moreover, unsafe people are not beyond hope; with self-awareness and effort, they can change.

Now that you know how to identify unsafe traits, you can actively seek out the opposite: safe people. But before doing so, take time to evaluate your current relationships. Understanding the characteristics of unsafe individuals can help you spot similar patterns in your own connections and make healthier choices moving forward.

Key idea 3

Recognizing the traits of unsafe people can help you identify if you’re caught in an unhealthy relationship.

Imagine this: you discover a shocking family secret and decide to confide in your friend, Astrid. A week later, Charles, a mutual friend, calls you, not only demanding details about the secret but also expressing anger that you didn’t share it with him directly. You’re overwhelmed with panic, betrayal, and hurt. Astrid has clearly broken your trust.

This scenario is a textbook example of triangulation—an interpersonal behavior common among unsafe people.

Key insight: Recognizing the traits of unsafe people can reveal whether you’re stuck in an unsafe relationship.

Unsafe individuals often struggle with genuine emotional connection. In the example above, Astrid may have shared your secret to create tension between you and Charles, or because she didn’t know how to communicate her feelings directly to you. Often, such people are unaware of the harm they cause.

To evaluate the safety of your relationships, consider these questions:

• Do you feel guilty or uneasy when you say no to this person?
• Do they respond with anger or hostility, even when you gently address issues in your relationship?
• If you apologize for a mistake, do they withhold forgiveness or affection as a form of punishment?

If you answered yes to any of these, you might be in an unsafe relationship. These dynamics often keep you on edge and hinder your personal growth, as the unsafe person tries to control you by playing a “parenting” role, dictating what is acceptable.

Unsafe people often shy away from emotional intimacy, leaving you feeling unheard and unsupported. Conversations with them can feel one-sided, as they tend to dominate the dialogue, focusing only on themselves. Their lack of empathy means their help often comes with strings attached, like seeking recognition or expecting something in return.

However, it’s important to remember that safety isn’t black and white. People aren’t entirely safe or unsafe, and there’s always room for redemption and change. That change often begins with self-awareness. Up next, we’ll explore how to recognize unsafe tendencies in yourself and start the journey toward transformation.

Key idea 4

Our past experiences can shape unsafe traits within our personalities.

It’s a well-worn truth that no one is perfect – and that includes you. Like others, we all have aspects of ourselves that are either safe or unsafe. Some of us have endured so many emotional wounds that we’ve started down the dangerous path of becoming unsafe individuals – unable to truly connect with others.

So, how did we lose our sense of safety?

Key point: Our past experiences can contribute to unsafe traits in our personalities.

There are four factors that undermine safety: envy, the false belief in self-sufficiency, entitlement, and breaking God’s laws.

Envy arises when we covet what others have and mistakenly tie those external things to our ability to love, rather than focusing on the love itself. When we fail to appreciate what we have or the kindness of others because we think we don’t need help, we deny our emotional need for connection.

Experiencing hurt or betrayal from others can also lead us to adopt unsafe behaviors. For instance, if you’ve been in a relationship with someone who is inconsistent, critical, and eventually abandons you, it might lead you to become withdrawn. You may develop a defensive attitude, thinking “love isn’t worth it” – this mindset can rob you of joy and meaning in life for the long term.

A sense of entitlement can also be damaging, as it might make us believe we don’t need the protection that God’s laws offer. This mindset can escalate into the belief that we don’t need anyone at all. While self-sufficiency is often encouraged, relational self-sufficiency can be harmful. As humans, we are wired for connection. Those who convince themselves they don’t need love or the support of others are more likely to embrace isolation and miss out on true relationships.

Ultimately, the most unsafe behavior of all may be the refusal to reach out for connection, which violates God’s love and leaves us in isolation.

Key idea 5

Healthy, safe relationships can improve your physical well-being, while unsafe ones can negatively impact your health.

In Roseto, Pennsylvania, a group of tight-knit Italian immigrant families settled and maintained close relationships for generations. Researchers observed that between the 1930s and 1980s, residents of Roseto lived longer lives than most Americans, despite having similar diets and lifestyles. However, by the 1990s, many of the original families had moved away, and new residents didn’t share the same strong social bonds. As a result, life expectancy in the town dropped to match the national average. This shift revealed that close, supportive relationships contributed to the residents’ longevity.

Key message: Close, safe relationships promote good health, while unsafe ones can contribute to physical illness.

Do you often feel drained, lack motivation, or struggle with energy? The cause might lie within your social circle. Being around negative or toxic individuals can drain your mental and emotional resources, which can eventually lead to physical ailments such as headaches, back pain, digestive issues, weakened immunity, weight gain, or even more serious conditions like cancer, all of which have been linked to poor mental health.

So, how can you assess whether you’re surrounded by the right people? One approach is to take an inventory of your relationships, evaluating them with both your emotions and logic, while keeping your core values in mind.

Consider: Are you always the one giving, or is there a healthy balance of give and take? Can you open up to the people in your life, relying on them for support, and allowing for vulnerability and intimacy?

Look for patterns in your relationships: Do you avoid confrontation, idolize certain people, feel the need to constantly rescue others, or struggle to make decisions? It can be hard to recognize unsafe behaviors in both yourself and others.

It’s tempting to hold onto an unhealthy relationship, hoping things will improve, or to fall into the belief that another person will “complete” you. However, don’t let hope cloud your judgment. If a relationship is harming you, don’t allow fear of abandonment to prevent you from confronting the issue or, if necessary, cutting ties for your own well-being.

Key idea 6

Inviting safe people into your life can help you cultivate healthy and meaningful relationships.

Let’s try an exercise. Reflect on a time in your life when you hurt someone. Now, pause and think about how that moment has stayed with you, lingering in your thoughts. Imagine calling that person and genuinely expressing your regret. Now, picture them telling you they forgave you long ago. Can you feel the relief that would come from hearing those words? A true act of forgiveness, where someone accepts you with love despite your past actions, is one of the most profound and godly gifts a person can give. It shows they are exactly the kind of safe person you want to invite into your life.

Key message: Bringing safe people into your life enables you to build healthy, secure relationships.

Everyone desires someone who accepts them, supports their growth, and helps them become better versions of themselves. Safe people understand that spiritual life is not just about a relationship with God; it’s about fostering genuine connections with others. Relationships are what nourish us, teach us healthy boundaries, heal us, and give us a strong foundation. Churches, friendships, and support groups are excellent places to find people who can provide that safety.

Here are six strategies to help you create safe relationships:

1. Ask for help. Doing so teaches humility, highlights your needs, encourages you to take initiative, and offers an opportunity to show grace. Plus, you may get the support you need!
2. Recognize your needs while staying true to yourself. For example, if you’re not comfortable with excessive physical affection, don’t try to force yourself to act differently. Stay authentic.
3. Challenge your own resistance. If you find yourself resisting closeness, try to understand why and make an effort to embrace it.
4. Seek honest feedback. This might be uncomfortable, but asking others to share the truth about you can foster growth and deepen love.
5. Learn to both give and receive forgiveness. True forgiveness requires empathy and accountability. When you genuinely accept forgiveness from a safe person, it can be incredibly freeing.
6. Give back to others. After receiving support from safe people, become a source of safety for others. Engage with your community, notice when people need help, and be there to listen and speak truthfully.

By following these steps, you can build a network of safe people who support and nurture your growth.

Final Overview

The central idea of this book:

Building authentic connections with safe people can profoundly improve your life and deepen your relationship with God. By understanding the traits of both safe and unsafe people—within yourself and others—you can cultivate a happier, healthier, and more spiritually aligned life.

Here’s a practical takeaway:

Let go of guilt trips.
Do you have a friend who constantly makes you feel guilty? If so, take a moment to reflect. Why do you consistently respond to their “guilt hooks”? Ask yourself: Am I genuinely at fault? If the answer is yes, work on correcting your actions. If it’s no, examine why you feel guilty without cause and address that internal trigger instead. This will help you break free from unnecessary guilt.