Raising Good Humans

Key idea 1

Some things are simply beyond your control.

Picture this: you’re eye-to-eye with your five-year-old, firmly repeating for the third time, “Do not touch that vase.” Time seems to stretch, the air grows still, and the tension is thick enough to feel. Perhaps, in the silence, you imagine the faint rustle of a tumbleweed drifting by. Then, with a mischievous grin and unwavering gaze, your little angel taps the vase anyway—sending it crashing to the floor.

What can you do in moments like this? Let’s start with what’s out of your control. Any feelings that arise—perhaps intense anger or deep frustration—are natural and automatic. This stress response comes from a part of the brain known as the amygdala.

Unfortunately, when stress levels spike and the amygdala takes over, logical, controlled responses become impossible. That’s because the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s center for reasoning and thoughtful decision-making, essentially shuts down when you enter a state of fight, flight, or freeze.

So, does this mean you’re destined to keep yelling at your kids every time they test your patience?

Not at all! Here’s the encouraging part: the key to managing those automatic reactions—for both you and your kids—is mindfulness. Yes, mindfulness is everywhere these days, from social media to parenting advice podcasts, but there’s solid science behind it. Studies using MRI scans reveal that after just eight weeks of a regular mindfulness practice—whether through meditation, yoga, or another mindful activity—the amygdala actually decreases in size. Even more promising, the connections between your prefrontal cortex and the rest of your brain become stronger, boosting your capacity for thoughtful responses.

Although mindfulness has become a bit of a buzzword, it remains the most effective approach to breaking long-standing cycles of yelling, punishment, and anger in parenting.

To understand what mindfulness looks like within this framework, try a simple exercise. Choose any activity—whether it’s washing dishes, taking a walk, enjoying a bath, or something else entirely—and let it be your focus.

Imagine you’ve chosen to wash the dishes. To engage in mindfulness, the goal is to slow down your thoughts. Instead of hurrying to finish the task, start by taking deep, deliberate breaths. Focus on the sound of the water and pay attention to how it feels as it flows over your hands. Acknowledge any emotions that come up during this time. Be present in each moment of the process.

That’s all there is to it. You’ve begun training your brain to take charge of its perceptions. Remember, this is a practice—it requires ongoing effort and consistency. This mindful approach will serve as the foundation for developing your new, exceptional parenting skills.

Key idea 2

You have your own challenges as well.

Your children aren’t the only ones facing difficulties. If you want to avoid passing your issues onto them, it’s crucial to identify what triggers you and why. When your five-year-old erupted in laughter as the vase crashed to the floor, it stirred feelings of anger or fear within you. But why did that happen?

For your next exercise, reflect on how you would have reacted in a similar situation during your own childhood. Consider what your parents might have said or done in response and how their actions would have made you feel.

As you engage in this reflection, aim to view your younger self with compassion. The goal isn’t to shame yourself for feeling triggered or to criticize your reactions. Instead, it’s about demonstrating love to your children by first nurturing that love for yourself. Recognize those triggers, and then offer yourself a

Keep honing the mindfulness techniques we discussed earlier. When you encounter a triggering situation again, strive to pause your initial reaction. Take a deep breath and step away until your emotions settle, allowing you to address the issue thoughtfully and calmly.

More on this coming up soon.

Key idea 3

Your self-talk serves as your compass.

Before you criticize yourself, consider this: Would you speak to your friends that way? If the answer is no, then you shouldn’t be speaking to yourself that way either. Many parents struggle with an inner voice that is harsh, emphasizing blame and shame. However, our outward behavior is deeply influenced by our internal dialogue. This means we must engage in some of the toughest work possible: learning to love ourselves.

When you make a mistake, what does your inner voice say? If it’s filled with accusations, criticism, or shame, you’re certainly not alone. Now, imagine a different scenario: instead of harshness, a gentle voice acknowledges, “I noticed you seemed really upset when you raised your voice at your child. It sounds like something is bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?” Wouldn’t that feel comforting? This approach would give you the opportunity to gain deeper insight into your feelings, recognize what went awry, and create a plan for handling things better in the future.

It’s no surprise that the advice you receive about communicating with your children will mirror what you need to hear regarding your self-talk. The way you speak to yourself directly influences how you interact with your kids. In essence, nurturing yourself with love and compassion is crucial for enhancing your parenting skills.

If you find yourself stressing over the broken vase—who will clean it up and how to prevent it from happening again—pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and let go of that worry. While it’s important to maintain boundaries, we first need to address the reactions of your amygdala. Keep in mind that the calm, rational part of your brain cannot function effectively if the amygdala is in a heightened state of activation.

Before we proceed to the next section, it’s important to touch on the topic of self-care. Once you recognize the significance of showing yourself compassion and kindness, you’ll see that self-care is not merely an indulgence; it’s a vital responsibility. Later on, we will explore the balance between your needs and those of your children. For now, let’s delve into the realm of feelings.

Key idea 4

Emotions are valid.

They are not your adversary; in fact, they often signal a potential danger or an immediate need that requires attention. With this understanding, it’s beneficial to focus on your feelings. Suppressing them only leads to unnecessary suffering and perpetuates harmful generational patterns.

Sadly, the part of the brain responsible for emotions does not recognize that we no longer live in a survival-driven environment. It continues to respond as if every challenge is a significant threat. Therefore, it’s essential to develop skills for effectively managing intense emotions.

The first essential skill is acknowledgment. This involves rejecting blame and shame while simply identifying the emotion you’re experiencing.

For example: “Hello, anger, I recognize you.”

By doing this, you activate the previously stalled prefrontal cortex, allowing it to engage with the situation.

For instance, “My child deliberately broke a vase after I warned him not to, and I’m feeling really angry. Now he’s crying loudly, likely feeling scared.”

In these moments of heightened emotions, acknowledgment and acceptance are the key responses. Once both you and your child have calmed down, you can begin to explore the feelings and the circumstances more deeply.

It’s essential to engage in this process with an open mind and a sense of curiosity. There’s no need to resolve anything immediately; your primary goal is to connect with your child.

Mindfulness aims to help you manage your responses to intense emotions. By controlling these reactions and practicing mindful parenting, you can strengthen your bond with your child. You’ll discover the reasons for this shortly.

Key idea 5

Connection begins with listening.

Once you’re calm and prepared to address your child’s tears, you can work on deepening your bond with them by simply listening.

Reflective listening involves setting aside judgment and assisting your child in recognizing and articulating their emotions. For instance:

Your child: “I don’t know why I knocked over the vase.”

You: “You wanted to find out what would happen to it.”

Your child: “No, I didn’t want to break it.”

You: “You didn’t intend to break it, but you were aware that it might.”

Your child: “Yes. I thought you might get mad.”

You: “You were curious about how Mommy would react.”

Your child: “I’m sorry I broke your vase.”

Reflective listening is not focused on asking questions or providing solutions; it’s centered on fostering understanding. You’re not playing the role of detective in this scenario; instead, your aim is to empower your child to become their own investigator, enabling them to handle their feelings and actions effectively in the future.

Additionally, through the practice of reflective listening, you are nurturing a strong bond with your child. A connected relationship fosters cooperation, devoid of judgment or punishment—just opportunities for learning and growth.

But let’s not forget about the broken vase, right? We’ll address that next.

Key idea 6

You are important, too! 

Earlier in section three, we discussed the importance of prioritizing your own needs. While your needs are not more important than your children’s, they hold equal significance.

Take a moment to create a list of your needs. This could include things like getting enough sleep, receiving affection, spending time with friends, having an intact vase, or a variety of other necessities. Your daily routine should incorporate caring for your own needs—not only for your benefit but also as a way to model this essential behavior for your children.

One effective way to convey your feelings is by using “I” messages, though this can sometimes be challenging. Many people tend to say, “I feel” or “I feel like,” but it’s important to know how to use them correctly.

Here’s an example of an ineffective approach: “I feel like you broke my vase on purpose just to make me angry.” This statement masks blame and judgment behind an “I” message.

In contrast, a constructive way to express this could be: “When you broke my vase, it made me feel sad because it was a gift that I truly valued. Now I need to clean it up to ensure no one gets hurt by the sharp pieces.” This response communicates the action without assigning blame, accurately conveys your feelings, and explains how the action impacted you.

Now that we’ve addressed your needs and how to articulate them, let’s discuss what happens when your needs conflict with your child’s needs.

Key idea 7

Conflict is a natural part of life.

Whenever two people live or work together, disagreements are bound to arise. Conflict occurs when two individuals feel that their needs are either unmet or at risk of being unmet.

It’s important not to feel guilty or ashamed about experiencing conflict. Rather than punishing yourself for the emotions it brings up, focus on employing effective strategies to navigate these situations.

First and foremost, keep in mind that when emotions are running high, effective communication and problem-solving become difficult. Therefore, it’s essential for both you and your child to calm down before addressing the issue. If something messy or dangerous has happened—like a broken vase—take a moment to clean it up first.

When you feel prepared to have a conversation, begin by recognizing the needs each of you has. Your needs might include maintaining a clean and safe environment, while your child’s needs could revolve around receiving attention or feeling secure within established boundaries.

Next, encourage your child to join you in brainstorming potential solutions. Remember, at this stage, there are no wrong ideas. After generating options, assess them to identify one that satisfies both your needs. Agree on a plan of action, and afterward, check in with both yourself and your child to ensure that you are both supported and cared for.

Key idea 8

It’s the small moments that count. 

The various practices and skills we’ve discussed aim to achieve the overarching goal of disrupting generational cycles and fostering strong, healthy connections within your family. As you cultivate trust and safety through mindfulness and emotional regulation, you’ll find new ways to bond.

Be sure to connect through positive physical interactions, such as hugs or gentle play. Engaging in playtime with your children is a vital means of building this connection. You don’t need to set aside large blocks of time; even 10 to 15 minutes can make a meaningful difference.

You can also foster connections by creating a home environment where everyone collaborates. Assigning chores and establishing routines helps children feel both independent and useful.

Regarding that vase, maintaining healthy boundaries can enhance your relationship. Respecting each other’s belongings is one such boundary, as is the principle of completing chores before enjoying leisure activities.

Keep in mind that boundaries can lead to conflict, and that’s perfectly normal. Handling these conflicts through reflective listening and cooperative problem-solving can further deepen your connections. Most importantly, remember that this is an ongoing practice that will continue to bring rewards throughout your parenting journey.

Final Overview

Your commitment to becoming a better parent significantly increases your chances of success. By incorporating mindfulness into your daily routine, you lay a solid foundation for managing and interrupting your own emotions. Utilize reflective listening to eliminate judgment and bias, allowing you to engage with your child from a place of curiosity. Help them learn to identify their feelings, express your own needs in a constructive manner through “I” messages, and handle conflicts in a way that satisfies everyone’s needs. Most importantly, prioritize connecting with your children.

While it may seem challenging, with practice and dedication, you’ll soon notice a reduction in stress and an increase in happiness within your home.