Introduction
Master the skills to excel in negotiation and collaboration.
By the age of eight, the average child has already experienced an astonishing 89,000 conflicts. As adults, we’ve encountered tens of thousands more. Yet, despite our extensive experience with disagreements, most of us struggle to effectively resolve them. In fact, over 90 percent of conflicts end in a stalemate.
This happens because both sides in a conflict typically believe they’re in the right and the other party is wrong. This dynamic is present in everything from international disputes over coal tariffs to playground arguments between kids. As long as we’re unable to see things from the other person’s perspective, we’ll continue to view disagreements as personal attacks, making resolution difficult.
Unresolved conflict can be harmful in our personal lives, workplaces, and global politics. It’s crucial that we learn to listen to one another. This book offers ten strategies to help you develop the skills needed to handle disagreements constructively.
In this book, you’ll explore:
– how pride can be a positive force,
– strategies for getting others on board with an unconventional idea,
– and why increasing the number of women leaders is crucial for workplace success.
Key idea 1
Begin developing conflict resolution skills early in life.
We’re all experienced in conflict, especially if we have siblings. Psychologist Laurie Kramer notes that children aged three to seven engage in an average of 49 disagreements daily, spending more than two hours in conflict.
By the time you reach your teenage years, you’ll have spent thousands of hours arguing—exceeding Malcolm Gladwell’s well-known 10,000-hour rule for mastering a new skill.
The issue is that although children are adept at arguing, they are far less skilled at resolving conflicts. Studies indicate that only 12 percent of sibling disputes are resolved, while the majority remain unresolved and resurface later.
Children who are argumentative often grow into argumentative adults. The disputes over stock options in a boardroom are not all that different from the disagreements over a toy train in a playroom. The positive news is that this cycle can be changed. Learning conflict resolution skills, especially from a young age, can help break this pattern.
Parents often let children handle conflicts on their own or resort to punishment for misbehavior. However, research shows that it’s more effective when parents intervene and actively help their children learn to resolve disputes. The best approach is to wait until everyone has calmed down, then bring everyone together to collaboratively address the issue. This involves listening to each person’s perspective and brainstorming potential compromises.
Of course, this approach will be ineffective if parents don’t also demonstrate how to resolve conflicts between themselves. Children absorb and imitate the behavior they observe. By showing how to discuss disagreements and reach compromises, you provide a far more valuable lesson than any lecture could and equip them with essential skills for managing conflicts in their own lives.
Key idea 2
Determine your fundamental values as well as those of your team members.
Charles Darwin, the evolutionary biologist, extensively studied the finches of the Galápagos Islands. What is particularly fascinating about these birds is their evolutionary development over time. The finches have adapted in numerous ways to thrive in the resource-limited environment of the islands. For instance, some finches feed on insects and leaves, while others survive on prickly cacti. These diverse adaptations enable the finches to coexist by minimizing competition for the limited food sources available.
Humans also adjust their behavior to enhance their chances of survival, but this often results in competition rather than cooperation. For instance, younger siblings may vie for more of their parents’ attention. This competitive mindset is reinforced in schools, where students compete for top grades to gain admission to prestigious universities. Similarly, in the workplace, employees often contend for promotions or bonuses. Essentially, we have evolved to view one another as rivals rather than partners, which adversely impacts teamwork. When you’re preoccupied with advancing yourself, you tend to focus more on individual success rather than the collective success of a project.
Picture how much more effective and harmonious your teams could be if everyone acted like the finches. Rather than competing for the same limited resources, team members would focus on how their individual skills could complement those of their colleagues, thereby contributing to the overall success of the organization.
To build teams as cooperative and complementary as the finches, start by understanding each person’s unique skills and attributes. An effective method to achieve this is through a values outing exercise. This involves having each team member list the qualities they value most in themselves and their work, and then describe how they demonstrate these qualities in their daily tasks.
Values can be seen as a guide for how individuals wish to operate in the world. By understanding your employees’ values, you can create teams where members both challenge and complement each other—much like finches adapting together to achieve their goals.
Key idea 3
Transform collaboration from a mere buzzword into a daily practice.
Anyone in the corporate world is likely weary of hearing about collaboration, as it’s frequently touted by CEOs and managers. Indeed, a study by IBM revealed that three-quarters of the CEOs it surveyed emphasized that collaboration is crucial for success.
The challenge with collaboration is that it’s notoriously difficult to implement effectively, which might explain why it’s so frequently discussed. A 2015 study involving over a hundred companies identified two primary issues. First, managers often struggle to assess which collaborative projects are likely to succeed and which will be ineffective, leading to wasted time and resources. This frequently results in project failures and low morale.
The second issue is that people tend to be territorial, often seeking individual recognition and blaming others rather than viewing themselves as part of a team. Additionally, personal agendas can conflict with the broader objectives of the project. So, what steps can you take to ensure that your collaborations are successful?
The key is to honestly acknowledge your own shortcomings. Essentially, you need to understand yourself better. Start by listing your traits and then pinpoint the top two qualities or behaviors that hinder your ability to collaborate. For instance, the author recognized that his own stubbornness and desire for recognition were significant barriers to effective teamwork.
With this self-awareness, he developed a personal ritual for before meetings. He closes his eyes and imagines himself removing a cloak of self-righteousness and then shedding a flashy, attention-grabbing tuxedo.
Recognizing his own weaknesses and establishing a ritual to address them has significantly improved his ability to collaborate. By adopting a similar approach, you can transform collaboration from a mere buzzword into a meaningful and effective practice.
Key idea 4
Take genuine pride in the contributions you make to your workplace.
Pride is often viewed negatively and is even classified as one of the seven deadly sins.
In the context of collaboration, pride can be quite beneficial. It is one of the four self-conscious emotions that help us understand how others perceive us. Pride enables us to consider our actions beforehand and anticipate how they will be viewed by the group. Additionally, it motivates us to contribute positively, as we seek to earn respect and recognition from others.
Not all forms of pride are beneficial. Some leaders and authority figures attempt to earn respect through domineering behavior. Steve Jobs, despite his exceptional talent, exemplified this approach. He was known for his explosive temper and publicly dismissing his employees’ ideas as “crap.” While this method can achieve results, it often fosters a toxic work environment where people are afraid to express their opinions.
An alternative approach is to channel your sense of pride into contributing value to the group. This type of leadership focuses on earning respect through your skills and contributions to the organization. Here, respect is built on the genuine value you bring, rather than through dominance. This form of authentic pride can greatly enhance your professional relationships.
Next time you sense your pride has been hurt, reflect on the source of that feeling and observe whether your immediate reaction is to assert dominance. Instead, channel your authentic pride by focusing on how you can earn back your colleagues’ respect through meaningful contributions to the organization.
Key idea 5
Address gender inequality in the workplace.
Examine the leadership teams of most companies, and you’ll likely see a predominance of men with only a few women. Despite advances in gender equality, women continue to face discrimination when it comes to attaining senior roles within organizations.
This issue not only affects women negatively but also undermines the overall success of companies. Research from Cambridge University’s Psychology of Entrepreneurship revealed that female CEOs typically generate higher profits than their male counterparts. This is because women leaders are more inclined to reinvest profits into the company and prioritize their employees’ well-being. Additionally, a study by Zenger Folkman found that women excel at starting and finishing tasks, even under challenging conditions.
There is also a biological basis for this phenomenon: women tend to be more resilient under stress. Studies have found that men possess a gene known as SRY, which triggers an aggressive or evasive response when they are stressed, often referred to as the “fight or flight” reaction. In contrast, women typically exhibit a “tend and befriend” response to stress, which involves fostering collaboration and building supportive networks as a survival strategy. These traits align closely with the qualities needed for effective leadership in the workplace.
To create a successful company, it is crucial to ensure equal representation of men and women, particularly in senior positions. Achieving this requires addressing deep-seated unconscious biases throughout the organization, from hiring practices to participation in meetings. Implementing an annual equality audit can help evaluate whether the organization meets its equality goals and establish specific actions to promote a more equitable workplace.
Key idea 6
Pay attention to your body language and understand how others might perceive it.
When meeting new colleagues or acquaintances, how do you typically respond? Like many people, you might offer a broad smile and maintain eye contact.
That might seem very welcoming, but in some cases, a smile can be perceived as threatening. Dr. Brett Grellier, who works with the author at a London soup kitchen, pointed this out. He suggested that the author should refrain from smiling when greeting homeless individuals, as it might evoke distressing memories of past abuse by caregivers who appeared friendly. According to Grellier, it’s more effective to start with a neutral facial expression and reserve the smile for later, once trust has been established.
This is just one instance of how body language can be understood differently across various cultural contexts. Previously, researchers believed that certain emotions and their expressions were universal—that a crying face universally signifies sadness and a smiling face indicates happiness. However, recent studies have challenged this notion. It turns out that body language is not universal; it is far more nuanced and context-dependent.
In the boardroom, it’s crucial to be aware of your body language and how it might be perceived through the lens of others’ cultural backgrounds and experiences. Grellier suggests using what he calls “The Goldilocks Approach” to navigate this. Before expressing strong emotions, observe how others are behaving—are they smiling? What is the general mood of the room? Then adjust your own behavior to ensure it strikes the right balance—not too warm or too cold, but just appropriate for the context.
Key idea 7
Explore how much of your perspective is shaped by cultural learning and develop an awareness of different cultural perspectives.
Cultural differences extend beyond body language to influence our core values and perceptions of community. For instance, 70% of people globally come from collectivist cultures, where the focus is on prioritizing the needs of the group over individual desires and valuing family ties and communal connections above all else.
The remaining 30% of people come from individualist cultures, which are predominantly found in Western societies. In these cultures, individuals are viewed as independent from society, and personal rights are considered paramount. In the West, where individualism is deeply ingrained, it can be hard to imagine alternative viewpoints. However, most of the world operates with a different perspective.
In our increasingly globalized world, societies are growing more diverse due to factors like mass migration, and we’re more connected through social media than ever before. This diversity can be a significant advantage for your organization if you master effective communication with people from various cultural backgrounds. Conversely, without this skill, your workplace relationships might suffer from misunderstandings and conflicts.
For instance, an individual from America typically grows up in a culture where success is measured by achievements. Consequently, in a boardroom setting, they may be highly focused on securing the deal. In contrast, someone from Japan is likely to have internalized the idea that success is rooted in the quality of relationships. For them, the key to business is the strength of interpersonal connections, making the success of the collaboration as important, if not more so, than simply closing the deal.
If the American executive disengages from the relationship once the deal is finalized, it could be perceived as very disrespectful by their Japanese counterpart, potentially resulting in conflict or damaging the entire working relationship. Understanding diverse cultural viewpoints is crucial for enhancing communication skills in the boardroom.
Key idea 8
Address the hostility by recognizing and validating your opponent’s perspective.
Certain conflicts are so intense that they appear insurmountable. Consider, for example, the bitter disputes between Democrats and Republicans in the US or a couple hurling insults during a particularly acrimonious divorce.
The author refers to this as the animosity gap. What begins as a minor disagreement between two individuals can quickly escalate if left unresolved. Both parties become increasingly entrenched in their own viewpoints and start to perceive the other side as an adversary. They fall prey to confirmation bias, where they seek out evidence that supports their own stance while dismissing any indications that the other side might be right. At this point, animosity overwhelms their ability to think clearly and rationally.
Animosity can lead to a total dismissal of the other person’s viewpoints. This often occurs early in the interaction due to unconscious bias. Research indicates that we tend to favor individuals who resemble us and naturally harbor biases against those who differ from us, especially concerning race, class, and gender. As a result, we may believe we are open to diverse perspectives, but in reality, we might form opinions about others’ views before they even have a chance to speak.
The animosity gap can be highly damaging, making effective collaboration or negotiation nearly impossible if you can’t truly listen to the other party. Corinne Bendersky, a professor of management and organizations at UCLA, offers a practical solution known as status affirmation. This approach involves explicitly recognizing and validating the other person’s status before presenting your own argument.
For instance, you might say, “I understand your perspective and appreciate the clarity of your arguments,” or “I recognize your expertise in this field and value the insights you’ve shared.” By acknowledging the other person’s credibility, you set the stage for a more productive conversation, increasing the likelihood that they will also be receptive to your viewpoint.
Key idea 9
Cultivate active listening skills to help de-escalate conflict situations.
Often, the most effective communication skills are developed by those with the most at stake in a conflict. Hostage negotiators exemplify this.
In 1973, the New York Police Department established the world’s first Hostage Negotiation Team following several tragic incidents where hostages were killed during rescue attempts. Previously, the department relied on force to secure the release of hostages, but it recognized the need to revise its approach.
Instead of relying on force, hostage negotiators must build rapport with the perpetrators and use that relationship to persuade them to free the hostages. These skilled negotiators excel in communication, rapidly establishing trust even in highly adversarial conditions. How do they achieve this? And what insights can we apply to improve communication in the boardroom?
The primary skill employed by negotiators is active listening. This involves attentively focusing on what the other person is saying and reflecting their words back to confirm understanding. Active listeners often mimic the speaker’s body language and rephrase their statements. They also summarize key points and identify emotions. For instance, they might reply with, “It seems like you’re feeling quite frustrated.”
Active listening is crucial as it demonstrates empathy and fosters a connection between the negotiator and the hostage-taker. Once this rapport is established, the negotiator can begin to gently sway the situation by engaging in reasoned discussion and inviting the hostage-taker to work together on finding a solution.
In addition to active listening, patience is essential for any negotiator. While it might be tempting to act quickly to resolve the situation, taking the time to patiently build trust can be far more effective. The longer the negotiator can maintain the dialogue, the greater their chance of establishing a strong rapport.
Formulate a plan to engage and align multiple stakeholders.
Just as in high-stakes hostage negotiations, resolving conflict requires a deep understanding of others’ perspectives. This skill is particularly crucial when seeking consensus among multiple stakeholders.
Consider an example from the author’s experience. He and his team devised a publicity stunt to advertise Pixar’s new film *Up*. They planned to fly a hot air balloon along the Thames and through London’s Tower Bridge.
This ambitious idea required approvals from numerous authorities, including the Civil Aviation Authority, Tower Bridge, and the local council, among others. The author couldn’t simply barge in and insist on flying a balloon down the Thames. He had to devise a well-thought-out strategy to gain the support of all these stakeholders.
First, he compiled a list of everyone who might oppose the plan. He then considered their perspectives and reasons for potential objections. This exercise helped him anticipate issues such as the balloon veering off course or impacting other traffic on the Thames. By addressing these concerns in advance, he could develop solutions before entering negotiations.
Third, he found a key supporter with significant influence. People are generally risk-averse, as demonstrated by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, who found that people fear losing $100 more than they are motivated by the prospect of gaining $150. Essentially, they tend to adopt a more cautious stance, particularly towards unconventional ideas. However, if a respected figure supports the plan, others may fear missing out on a potential opportunity. Thus, you can use the psychology of risk-aversion to your advantage.
Finally, the author arranged face-to-face meetings with all the stakeholders. Rather than overwhelming them with details right away, he followed a method similar to hostage negotiators. He began by building rapport through numerous questions and framing the proposal as a collaborative problem-solving effort. If a stakeholder initially responded with a rejection, he ensured to obtain a clear explanation for their concerns. This approach allowed him to convert a negative response into a tentative approval by presenting a specific solution. For instance, when the Tower Bridge authorities were worried that the balloon might collide with the bridge, he proposed tethering the balloon to a barge to ensure safety and prevent any potential accidents.
It was a challenging task, but on a clear, early morning, the author and his team found themselves aboard a tugboat, watching the massive hot air balloon glide along the Thames—a sight that captured headlines globally. By mastering conflict resolution, he successfully transformed all the initial rejections into approval.
