Introduction
Develop strategies for dealing with difficult colleagues.
In an unpredictable world, one thing is certain: at some point in your career, you’ll encounter difficult people. Whether you’re at Google, Netflix, or even Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, no workplace is entirely free of them. These individuals can take various forms— a micromanaging boss, a coworker who interrupts during meetings, someone who “borrows” food from the kitchen, or a colleague who tries to manipulate you.
We’ve all encountered difficult colleagues at some point. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to just tolerate them. There are more effective approaches than simply complaining to your friends after work. Author Tessa West offers research-backed strategies to deal with toxic coworkers, from the Kiss Up/Kick Down type to the notorious Gaslighter.
In this book, you’ll discover:
– how to prevent others from taking credit for your work,
– ways to get a micromanager to ease up, and
– how to recognize if your boss is gaslighting you.
Key idea 1
Kiss Up/Kick Downer
Before becoming a social psychologist, Tessa West worked as a salesperson at a luxury department store, where she encountered a difficult colleague named Dave. In front of the manager, Dave appeared to be the perfect employee. However, once the manager left, Dave revealed his competitive and underhanded nature, stealing customers from his coworkers and sabotaging them by hiding or rearranging items in the storage room to make their jobs harder.
Dave exemplifies the first type of problematic coworker you may come across: the “kiss up/kick downer.” He flatters and ingratiates himself with those in higher positions, acting helpful, doing favors, and charming them both at work and socially. However, he treats colleagues on the same level or lower in the hierarchy very differently, undermining and sabotaging them whenever possible.
If this situation feels familiar at your workplace, the first step is to ensure you’re not simply being overly sensitive and that the person is indeed behaving poorly. To verify this, seek out someone who is well-connected and in tune with the office dynamics. You could ask them something like, “Have you heard anything, positive or negative, about Dave?”
If they verify that you are indeed dealing with a difficult person, try to identify others who have experienced similar issues and gather their feedback on his behavior. To maintain professionalism, ask your coworkers neutral questions such as, “Have you worked with Dave much? How has that been for you?”
In the meantime, try to distance yourself from the kiss-up/kick-downer as much as you can. Consider the times and places where you interact with him and look for ways to reduce those encounters. This might involve something as straightforward as changing your seat in meetings or avoiding the coffee machine at certain times.
When you’re prepared to discuss the issue with your manager, keep in mind that the jerk’s flattering behavior may have led your manager to view him favorably. Therefore, it’s important to approach the conversation diplomatically. Start by recognizing the jerk’s positive attributes, and then address his negative behaviors and their effects on you and your colleagues.
After presenting your case, the next step is to be patient. Resolving the issue may take time and require behind-the-scenes efforts from your manager, so don’t expect an immediate resolution.
Key idea 2
The Credit Thief
What’s the secret to advancing in your career? While your performance is a crucial factor, it’s not the whole story. For instance, you might excel on a project, but if your efforts go unnoticed, it won’t benefit your career. Worse, if a colleague claims credit for your work, they could secure a promotion even though they contributed minimally to the project!
Introducing the next type of problematic colleague: the credit stealer. This person takes more credit for ideas and achievements than they rightfully deserve.
It’s important to note that the credit stealer might not be acting with deliberate intent. In collaborative projects and team efforts, it can be difficult to pinpoint individual contributions, leading people to overestimate their own impact. We often believe our work is more visible to others than it actually is. For example, you might be handling significant behind-the-scenes tasks, such as refining documents and correcting errors, that the credit stealer isn’t even aware of.
Additionally, when teams consist of individuals with similar thought processes, they might independently arrive at similar ideas. This can create scenarios where it appears that one person has taken an idea from another, even though it was merely a coincidence.
Given this, avoid making accusations towards the person who might be taking credit. Instead, approach the conversation neutrally, expressing your viewpoint and seeking theirs. For instance, you might say, “It appeared to me that we were presenting similar ideas during the meeting, and I felt like I was the one introducing them first—how did you perceive it?”
From there, expand the discussion to address the specifics of the situation. For example, if you collaborated on a group project, clarify who was responsible for each part of the work. Discuss the behind-the-scenes tasks each of you contributed. It’s possible they may have done more than you realized, and if not, the facts will become clear on their own.
You can then engage in a practical discussion about how to allocate credit more fairly moving forward. To prevent similar issues in the future, consider clearly assigning roles and responsibilities before starting a project. This way, there will be no confusion about who contributed what once the project is completed.
Key idea 3
Bulldozers
The two types of difficult colleagues we’ve discussed share a common trait—they operate subtly. The kiss up/kick downer knows when and where to flatter those above them and undermine those below them, while the credit stealer only claims credit in situations where it’s not clear who contributed what, avoiding instances where their actions would be too obvious (if their intent is to steal credit).
The next type of difficult colleague is far less subtle. Let’s call him the bulldozer. He bulldozes through anyone who obstructs him—interrupting others during meetings, for instance. And if others are fortunate enough to get a chance to speak at all, he often monopolizes the discussion by being one of the first to speak and then dominating the conversation for as long as possible.
How does he manage to get away with it? Often, it’s because he’s a significant player within the organization. The bulldozer usually builds strong connections with higher-ups and influential figures, which helps him maintain his position. He might also take on a crucial role or develop a skill that makes him essential to the team, such as being the sole person proficient in a disliked software or acting as the liaison with an unpopular HR manager on behalf of the rest of the team.
To deal with a bulldozer, use his tactics against him. In meetings, make sure to assert your views early on, ideally within the first few minutes. This way, you prevent him from setting the agenda and defining the terms of the discussion all on his own.
If he interrupts you, firmly insist on completing your statement. If you struggle to assert yourself alone, enlist support from colleagues. Agree in advance that if one of you is interrupted, another will step in to defend, perhaps saying, “Let’s allow [Name] to finish their point.”
Lastly, find ways to reclaim some of the excessive power you and your colleagues have surrendered to the bulldozer. Request that he share the specialized skills and roles he has monopolized, such as training others to use the disliked software or alternating meetings with the HR manager everyone avoids.
Key idea 4
Free Riders
He puts in effort only when the boss is present but slacks off as soon as she’s gone. While he was once a top performer, he now relies on past achievements and doesn’t push himself. Additionally, he often “volunteers” for tasks that seem significant but are actually easy, such as delivering a presentation that someone else prepared.
Let’s be real: he seems to be living the dream if you’re him. But if you’re everyone else, he’s the next type of office jerk – the free rider: someone who reaps the rewards of others’ hard work while contributing nothing themselves.
The more successful a team becomes, the more likely it is to attract free riders. This happens because free riders exploit three key traits that contribute to a group’s strength. Firstly, strong teams consist of members who are diligent and reliable—dedicated, disciplined, and hardworking. This conscientiousness often leads them to cover for the free riders without even realizing they’re doing so.
Secondly, strong teams possess a high level of cohesion, with members feeling a strong sense of connection and camaraderie. This close-knit atmosphere can lead to less vigilance and accountability among members, making it easier for free riders to evade notice.
Lastly, teams often use collective rewards to promote collaboration rather than competition among members. However, this approach can sometimes lead individuals to feel that putting in extra effort is futile since everyone receives the same reward regardless of their level of contribution.
To address free riding, teams should monitor each member’s contributions. This can be achieved by assigning tasks at the start of a project and then regularly checking in through a brief survey with the following questions:
- What tasks have you completed?
- Did you take on any additional work beyond what was planned?
- Did you observe anyone else doing extra work?
By obtaining responses to these questions, you can identify if a free rider is present in your team. You might find that many team members are covering for the free rider by doing extra work. With this information, you can develop a strategy to distribute tasks more equitably.
Lastly, teams can reduce the incentive for free riding by recognizing both individual accomplishments and collective success. It’s possible to encourage both personal contributions and teamwork simultaneously.
Key idea 5
Micromanagers
What’s the primary reason people leave their jobs? While 89 percent of managers might believe it’s due to salary, money actually only accounts for 12 percent of job departures. The main factor driving people to quit is dissatisfaction with management, with micromanagement being a major issue. In fact, 79 percent of employees have encountered micromanagement, and 69 percent of those have considered quitting because of it.
Micromanagers are a frequent issue in the workplace, and you’re likely to encounter one during your career if you haven’t already. Besides resigning from your job, what strategies can you use to avoid their control?
Like with other difficult coworkers, it’s best not to address a micromanager too confrontationally. If you go into their office with a direct accusation and a list of complaints, they’re likely to react defensively.
Instead, request a meeting to discuss overarching goals. Focus on how your work aligns with the broader objectives of your team. Explore what the micromanager’s big-picture goals are and how your contributions support those goals. Essentially, shift the conversation away from minor details and refocus on the larger context of your work.
After clarifying the broader context, discuss your expectations and priorities. There might be a mismatch between what you consider important and what your micromanager values. This misalignment could be a key reason for her micromanagement—she might feel you’re not meeting her expectations and is micromanaging to guide you towards what she views as the correct approach.
If this is the situation, try to find a middle ground. For instance, Matt, a journalist the author knows, faced a similar issue. His micromanaging boss, Karen, preferred that he prioritize the articles she wanted published, while Matt wanted to focus on his own leads. They reached a compromise where Matt would first work on Karen’s articles, and if he completed them ahead of schedule, he could then dedicate the remainder of his time to his personal projects.
If there are specific behaviors you want the micromanager to change, be precise and avoid vague statements. For example, instead of saying, “You’re overbearing,” try, “Currently, receiving X number of emails per day makes it difficult for me to stay focused.” Additionally, to maintain a positive tone, also highlight things you appreciate about your micromanager and encourage them to continue those actions, not just focus on what you want to change.
Key idea 6
Neglectful Bosses
You’ve encountered the micromanager—the type of jerk who hovers and intrudes. Now, it’s time to meet the opposite end of the spectrum: the neglectful boss, who neglects you to an extreme degree.
If you’re dealing with a micromanager, the idea of a neglectful boss might seem like a dream—someone who leaves you alone and lets you work independently! Freedom at last! However, the problem with neglectful bosses is that they don’t always stay hands-off; they have a knack for showing up and becoming involved at the most inconvenient moments.
Neglectful bosses often exhibit a predictable pattern. Initially, they’re absent for extended periods, leaving you to manage a project on your own for weeks, for example. As the deadline approaches, they become anxious about not being updated. Suddenly, they become overly involved, bombarding you with numerous suggestions just hours before the launch. After this flurry of activity, they return to their neglectful ways. This yo-yo pattern can create significant stress and frustration.
To break free from this cycle, you need to address the root cause of your boss’s neglect. It could be a simple communication issue, as your boss might be so preoccupied with her own tasks that she’s unaware of your needs. To remedy this, clearly communicate that you require more of her attention. Send a brief email requesting a 30-minute meeting within the next two weeks, providing her with a reasonable timeframe to accommodate your request amidst her busy schedule.
If your boss is currently too busy to give you the attention you need, there are two approaches you can take. First, offer to take on some of her tasks to help lighten her workload, which might free up some of her time for you.
Secondly, guide her attention more effectively by presenting a prioritized list of your tasks. Clearly indicate that the top priority is the most urgent, while the other items are less critical and can wait. This approach helps her concentrate on the most important task first, making it easier for her to manage and address your needs without feeling overwhelmed by the entire list.
Key idea 7
Gaslighters
Toxic coworkers vary greatly, but the ones we’ve discussed so far share a common trait: they are manageable. There are strategies you can use to address their behavior and improve your interactions with them.
The last type of jerk we’ll discuss is distinct from the others. Unlike difficult individuals or poorly functioning team members, this person is genuinely sociopathic. He can’t be changed or fixed; your only option is to distance yourself from him. This individual is the gaslighter—someone who manipulates you psychologically, causing you to question your own perception of reality.
He starts by isolating you, which might initially seem positive. For example, he could make you feel included in a special project or exclusive group. Alternatively, he might undermine your self-esteem, making you feel grateful and dependent on him by suggesting that he’s the only one who values you and that you would have been dismissed if not for his intervention. Often, he employs a blend of these tactics to achieve his goal.
Once he has subtly isolated you, he begins to exploit you, frequently by involving you in his unethical schemes without your knowledge. Take the case of Kunal, who worked at an advertising firm and was manipulated by his boss, Julie. She instructed him to keep their joint work confidential, asserting that their workplace was full of ruthless competitors who might steal their ideas.
In truth, Julie was appropriating others’ work and having Kunal edit it, thereby unwittingly assisting her in concealing her actions. One day, Kunal suspected he saw her accessing a coworker’s account. When he confronted her about it, she dismissed his concern, claiming he must have been imagining things— a typical tactic of a gaslighter.
To protect yourself from a gaslighter’s distortion of reality, begin documenting every questionable statement or action you notice. Since memories can be unreliable and gaslighters often manipulate them, keeping a written record helps ensure you have an accurate account of events.
As you document your experiences, also begin to rebuild your work relationships to counteract your isolation. Start by reconnecting with colleagues at your level and gradually expand your network to include individuals in higher positions. Aim to include a key figure—someone who is highly regarded, well-connected, and respected in your workplace. This person can serve as an advocate and help persuade senior management to address the issue with your gaslighter.
You’ll likely require the support of such an influential individual because the person gaslighting you is probably in a position of greater power.
Final Overview
The key takeaway is that you don’t have to endure toxic coworkers passively. There are effective alternatives to simply complaining to friends and waiting for the issues to resolve themselves.
Start by identifying the specific behavior causing the issue. Are they micromanaging, neglecting responsibilities, dominating conversations, or riding on others’ efforts? Once you’ve pinpointed their behavior, address it. This doesn’t necessarily mean confronting them directly; sometimes, arranging a non-confrontational meeting to align expectations can be effective. In other cases, more significant actions may be required, possibly involving higher-ups in your company. Regardless of the approach, it’s essential to be thoughtful, strategic, and open-minded in exploring all possible solutions.
