Dare to Lead

Key idea 1

Start your leadership journey by redefining what vulnerability means to you.

To begin, allow me to pose a risky query: What makes you feel vulnerable?

We all experience vulnerability, but despite this, we can mistake it for “weakness” or a sense of inadequacy. We fear that by owning up to our ignorance, we may appear foolish.

Therefore, we reach for our “emotional armor,” put it on, and create barriers—between us and our coworkers, between us and the challenges we face, between us and our emotions, and between us and genuine moments of understanding and connection with our team—instead of opening ourselves to others and allowing for moments of genuine connection and problem-solving.

Practicing genuine vulnerability is a strength, not a flaw. It will make you become a terrific leader instead of just a mediocre one. And that brings us to our first important lesson: showing vulnerability is a brave act.

It entails speaking your mind and being sincere with both your group and yourself. The Latin term cor, which means “heart,” is where the word bravery first appeared. Its original meaning was “to speak your mind by telling your heart.”

That’s your winning hand: vulnerability. It’s the foundation of human creativity and innovation, and it calls for you to become accepting of failure. Most of the time, it will take several failed attempts before your team finally comes up with that one concept—that momentous “aha”—that makes things go forward.

Key idea 2

How can you set aside time to be truly vulnerable?

This book’s second major thesis is that brave leaders make time to speak honestly by offering and receiving frank feedback.

When Brené first started her business, her staff members sought to have a meeting with her. They wanted to talk to her about their concerns. So, in a brave leader’s manner, Brené nodded. She was astonished to discover, when sitting down with her staff, that they were bearing the brunt of her impractical time management. Her staff brought up her bad habit of giving herself unrealistic deadlines, which made it difficult for them to meet.

It was difficult to hear these critiques. However, Brené appreciated the candid criticism. She was aware that kindness equals clarity. Because we start fostering a culture of truth-seeking and truth-telling, which is necessary for development and transformation, when we communicate with a spirit of clarity at home and at work.

Naturally, everyone wants to develop and change. But how many of us truly carry out this action? According to the research, most of us steer short of being explicit when we communicate with people. We believe that lying is more compassionate. Additionally, we believe that avoiding conflict and dialogue is simpler. Sometimes we have to expend personal and emotional energy on these tough conversations. However, what are the long-term consequences of avoiding difficult talks?

In the end, the problem gets worse the longer we continue to play the waiting game. It eventually grows into an unsurmountable mountain of a difficulty, from which we either emerge dead or are compelled to turn away and abandon the endeavor entirely.

Establish weekly or bimonthly check-ins with your team, just as Brené did when she took time out of her hectic schedule to hear the issues raised by her team. Give them a chance to express any worries or issues they may be having.

Getting curious is the first step towards tackling any difficulty you may encounter. Give your colleagues your whole attention instead of just saying you’re sorry and then brushing the issue under the rug. Examine the issue. “Hey, tell me more about how this plays out for you,” one could say. Alternatively, “Hey, I’d like to know how this feels for you.” If this sounds unsettling, you’re most likely headed in the right direction.

Keeping the 8-second rule in mind is a good idea. Severe pain subsides after eight seconds, at which point it becomes less painful. So buckle up and take deep breaths throughout those challenging first eight seconds. Compared to dealing with the long-term fractures that arise when we remove problems, this is so much simpler.

It’s also crucial to keep in mind that you don’t always need to know the answers. Rather, begin by demonstrating to your team that you are dedicated to obtaining the solutions. Tell them you need time to look into the issue more thoroughly, and maybe offer to come back the following day or week. By doing this, you can avoid making hasty commitments that you can’t fulfill or giving nonsensical responses.

Key idea 3

Establishing conference rooms that promote an open and honest work atmosphere.

Using permission cards is an excellent method to foster a culture of openness and curiosity in meetings. Using these slips, you and your team can identify your goals, anxieties, and objectives by doing a personal check-in before to the start of a meeting.

Give a Post-it note to every team member and ask them to write down one feeling or action they will allow themselves to experience throughout the meeting. Permission slips can be used individually or in a group setting. They have a crucial role in establishing the mood for the remainder of the conference.

They not only foster a close-knit environment of sharing during the conference, but they also provide a platform for mutual accountability. For instance, following the meeting, you might say to a coworker, “Hey! I’ve heard that during the meeting, you allowed yourself to feel frustrated. What was the outcome for you?

“I give myself the permission to take more time before answering questions,” can be shared by another person. However, you may see that they are going back to their previous routines and rushing through their responses during the meeting. Once more, this presents you with the possibility to have a “sliding-door moment” with your coworker. You can say something like, “Hey, I know you wanted to allow yourself more time around answering questions.” Would you like to allow yourself some time to consider this, and then we can discuss it when the meeting is over?

Key idea 4

Take advantage of meetings to address any unclear points or knowledge gaps.

You will be aware that people comprise organizations if you are a leader. In addition, people are always looking for narratives and patterns to help them make sense of the world.

It’s likely that your teammates and coworkers have a collection of anecdotes they revisit to help them understand their roles in the team and the nature of their work. The clean finish that stories provide is appealing to the brain. We want a distinct plot arc, as well as heroes and antagonists. We want clarity, to put it simply.

It unnerves us when we come across incomplete information, ambiguity, or a lack of transparency—in other words, a terrible narrative. Thus, we proceed what humans do best: we solve puzzles and make up for ignorance to craft our own narrative. Regretfully, our ability to tell the truth and maintain complex perspectives is not rewarded by the brain. It says just that—give me a concise story. What do I have here, to work with?

If you manage a company or oversee employees within one, you will quickly learn how harmful poor storytelling can be. Your staff will begin fabricating their own tales and twisting the facts if you don’t provide them with the knowledge they require. And in the long run, all of this will be quite costly for your company.

Because of this, it is our responsibility as leaders to continuously monitor the narratives that our teams are telling themselves. As author Anne Lamott notes, the Shitty First Draft, or SFD, is the first story we rush to when there’s a lack of openness.

Consider the embarrassing initial drafts that your colleagues may be telling themselves at the moment. Consider how their nervousness and worry may be causing them to fill in the blanks in the facts. What knowledge might they be missing right now, and what narratives might they have made up to fill the gaps?

Thankfully, there are two methods to avoid SFDs. Being as open and honest as you can with your staff is the first step. Being transparent demands guts, but if you’re dedicated to fostering a culture of courage, you’ll provide your team with as much information as you can, including the larger picture. Setting up time on your team’s schedule for Shitty First Draft check-ins is the second tool. You may want to schedule a time in everyone’s calendars following a particularly trying moment or a significant meeting so that you can ask folks to discuss the stories they’re telling themselves. Encourage your staff to share their SFDs by providing them with the following prompts.

“This is what I’m seeing at work.”

“This is the narrative I’m telling myself about it.”

“I’m feeling this way right now.”

“I’m having to act because of this.”

For instance, a team member may turn to face you and say, “Hey, I noticed that you didn’t reply to the email I sent you with my proposal.” I’m convincing myself that my proposal didn’t sit well with you. I feel both a) less appreciated and b) less driven to continue with the project as a result of this.

“You’re right,” one might respond. After reading the proposal, I felt there were several areas we might collaborate on. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner, and I understand how worried you must have been. Should we schedule a discussion about it for today? This relieves your teammate and provides an opportunity for you both to sit down and talk about the suggestion.

However, you may also say, “I apologize; I didn’t even have time to read your proposal.” I’m tired and my daughter was throwing up last night. However, thank you for following up. Allow yourself to be transparent and vulnerable with your team as you circulate the room sharing embarrassing early drafts. When you show your vulnerability, you give your coworkers a chance to learn empathy. Your coworker may respond in this case by saying, “I’m sorry to hear that! Would you want to have a cup of coffee with me as we sit down and I go over my proposition in person? Once more, this gives you both the chance to have a “sliding-door moment”—a chance to meet in person.

A more open workplace culture will be achieved if you get into the routine of following up on these stories, identifying any data gaps, and getting past the awkward first drafts.

Key idea 5

Clarifying your basic beliefs will help you make decisions with conviction and provide you direction.

Your ideals ought to guide each and every choice you make and action you do, much like your North Star.

Our beliefs are what spur us on to rise back up and keep having the courage to give it our all, even when we find ourselves facedown in the dirt. Those who truly understood their principles and relied on them to get them through difficult times were the most brave leaders Brené Brown encountered during her research.

Thus, pause to consider what your core values are.

You may probably initially think of a number of responses when creating your list. However, attempt to reduce it to just two items. Brené, for example, limited hers to the essential principles of bravery and belief. For what reason two? She discovered that the majority of executives around the world can name ten or more key principles after speaking with hundreds of them. However, the leaders who were most prepared to show courage and feel vulnerable stayed with just two.

When you consider it, it makes perfect sense. There are two values that can be implemented. Even with a lengthy list of values, none of them will be able to truly influence your actions. If you have too many values, all you have is a list of meaningless terms that are meant to cheer you up.

Decide on just two of your core beliefs, and let them direct your actions always, even in difficult circumstances.

Key idea 6

Great leadership, bravery, and development are impeded by the pursuit of perfection.

We learn early on how to protect oneself against sensitive emotions such as hurt, disappointment, and diminishment. We use our actions, feelings, and thoughts to create barriers around ourselves in an attempt to shield ourselves from the outside world.

However, Brené Brown adds that in order to live and lead with courage, we must “rumble” with vulnerability. Identifying the obstacles keeping us from being more open is one of the finest ways to start this path. Perfectionism is a major obstacle in this case.

Perfectionism needs to be in the trash if we genuinely want to become fearless leaders. But before we can accomplish this, we must dispel the misconception that perfectionism is a positive trait.

Now, you may think that aiming for excellence and improving oneself are the main components of perfectionism. However, upon deeper examination, perfectionism is actually an attempt to gain acceptance. The majority of perfectionists grow up in settings that commend their extraordinary achievement. Perfectionists who receive this kind of adulation grow up with a negative set of beliefs that affects them throughout their lives; they base their entire identity on their achievements and flawless performance.

All of this can force us into a draining routine of competitiveness, people-pleasing, and serving others. Conversely, those who have a strong desire to succeed are frequently more inward-looking. Instead than thinking about what other people would think of them, they are always asking themselves, “How can I improve?”

Perfectionism has a sinister side that extends far beyond the need to please.

Studies reveal a connection between perfectionism and anxiety, despair, and addiction. Perfectionists also have a higher tendency to lose out on chances and become mentally paralyzed, which prevents them from participating completely. They avoid the messy arena of life, where healthy competition and the pursuit of true greatness take place, because of fear of criticism or not living up to others’ expectations.

Remove the barrier of perfectionism and throw yourself into the battle to become a fearless leader. Although you may make mistakes along the road, you will acquire something worthwhile: the bravery needed to lead and succeed.

Final summary

This book’s main takeaway is that you can access courage and creativity when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You discover the courage to better yourself and to have tough but necessary talks with coworkers when you let go of your fear of failing and perfectionist inclinations. To put it another way, becoming a fearless leader requires you to embrace all of your feelings.

Here are some more helpful suggestions:

Investigate your emotions rather than suppressing them.

Whenever we feel vulnerable, our first instinct is frequently to try to make it go away. Thus, we use whatever is available to us—alcohol, food, or shopping—to numb ourselves.

But consider this before you down that large glass of wine or scoop of ice cream: What am I truly feeling, and where did this sensation originate? Once the actual issue has been located, you can determine what will actually ease your discomfort and provide relief.