How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age

Key idea 1

Undermining others will hinder your ability to exert influence.

Author Dale Carnegie was a master of persuasion. He recognized that humans have an inherent drive for self-preservation, a trait that has been crucial for our survival throughout history. However, this self-preservation instinct also makes us defensive when we feel attacked, especially when it pertains to our ego.

Consequently, it’s ineffective to change someone’s opinion by condemning or criticizing them. The moment you express disapproval, whether through words or body language, the other person is likely to either shut down or respond with hostility. Once this defensive stance is established, persuading them to alter their viewpoint becomes exceedingly challenging, and any opportunity to influence them is lost.

Carnegie was aware of this, and he deliberately adhered to three principles, all starting with the letter “c,” to avoid this predicament. He refrained from condemning, criticizing, or complaining about others. Although Carnegie’s life unfolded before the digital age, these principles are just as relevant today, especially given the ability to reach vast audiences rapidly and inexpensively through platforms like social media.

Many people view social media as a means to influence others but often employ it incorrectly. If you examine the comment sections of blog posts or articles on contentious topics, you’ll witness opposing parties engaging in hostile exchanges. Unfortunately, this approach only deepens divisions, as each side fortifies its defenses in response to perceived attacks. Therefore, if you aim to make a point or sway someone’s perspective, the first step is to modify your own behavior.

Begin by perceiving social media as an avenue to inspire others to share your enthusiasm for the causes you hold dear, rather than a platform for venting frustration, objection, or anger. However, it’s essential to avoid conveying dogmatic views about your cause, as this could lead people to tune you out. Remember that there’s no shortage of alternative content available online.

Subsequently, cultivate the skill of self-restraint. When you encounter content that triggers strong emotions or reactions, resist the impulse to respond immediately; instead, wait for at least five minutes. This brief period allows you the necessary time and space to regain your composure. Once you’ve regained your composure, you can reconnect with Carnegie’s three “c” principles and engage with the situation without being consumed by anger.

Key idea 2

Win people’s loyalty by making them feel valued.

Mr. Bates, a business owner hailing from Georgia, holds a strong allegiance to Bone’s, an Atlanta restaurant. Whenever his suppliers from out of town visit, he willingly embarks on the 70-mile journey to take them there.

This unwavering loyalty can be traced back to a singular encounter during his second visit to Bone’s. A waiter warmly welcomed Mr. Bates by name and expressed genuine pleasure at seeing him again. This personalized service deeply resonated with Bates. The waiter’s initiative not only involved remembering his name but also inquiring about his prior dining experiences at Bone’s. This personalized approach left Mr. Bates feeling genuinely appreciated and valued, ultimately catapulting the restaurant’s popularity.

Remembering people’s names carries significant value because it demonstrates your recognition of them as distinct individuals, not mere anonymous faces in a crowd. Addressing someone by their name signals your commitment to paying attention and memorizing their name, fostering a connection between you and them.

Recalling names has become even more challenging in our modern era compared to Carnegie’s time. Our brains have adapted to a habit of swiftly skimming through information due to constant scrolling on social media. In contrast, learning a person’s name requires focus and concentration. Notably, this skill not only makes others feel valued but also distinguishes you as exceptional, given the rarity of this practice today. Establishing more profound connections with individuals by simply learning their names can set you apart as a leader, as few people invest the time and effort to do so.

Listening is an influential technique that can deeply convey a sense of value to others. As human beings, our innate desire is to feel acknowledged and heard, as this ultimately leads to a sense of being truly understood. Attentive listening serves as an indicator that you hold that person in high regard, which is why it forms the foundation of various psychoanalytic practices.

However, listening has faced challenges in the digital age. Despite the numerous Facebook friends or Twitter followers many individuals may have, these connections often lack depth and meaningful interaction. A study conducted in 2004 by the American Sociological Review revealed that only half of the population felt they had a dependable friend, marking a 25 percent decline compared to a study conducted in 1985.

While these statistics raise concerns about increasing social isolation, they also underscore the positive impact that can be achieved through the simple act of listening. By cultivating the practice of engaging with others through meaningful questions and genuinely paying attention to their responses, you can effectively restore someone’s sense of worth and earn their gratitude.

Key idea 3

When it comes to disagreements, adopt a peaceful approach.

In the past, if you wanted to deliver an insult to someone, you had to do it face-to-face. This forced individuals to think twice before resorting to insults, knowing that there would be repercussions such as potential retaliation or judgment from onlookers who witnessed the confrontation.

However, in the online realm, you can hurl insults without having to confront your target in person or even reveal your own identity. This anonymity grants the freedom to engage in or perpetuate online conflicts with people you may have never met. Nevertheless, just as criticism rarely leads to a change in someone’s beliefs or behavior, launching accusations at them tends to be ineffective. To have an impact on people’s thoughts, a different approach is required: instead of attempting to win arguments, it is more productive to adopt a problem-solving perspective and seek common ground. By treating points of conflict as opportunities for collaborative problem-solving, you increase the likelihood of defusing anger and finding mutually beneficial solutions.

Embracing this approach often goes against the prevailing norm. Our society is primarily oriented towards individual pursuits, with each person striving independently to achieve personal objectives. However, behavioral specialist Esther Jeles has discovered that collaboration often yields superior outcomes, particularly in interpersonal matters such as persuading others to support a specific cause.

When a group of people collectively contributes their insights to address a problem, it positions the group strongly to identify the best solution. To put this approach into practice, it’s essential to be open to listening to individuals whose viewpoints may differ from your own rather than engaging in arguments or criticism.

Dealing with contentious issues can be challenging, especially when confronted with differing opinions. However, by adhering to a few principles, you can foster an environment conducive to constructive dialogue rather than outright conflict.

Firstly, maintain a respectful and open-minded demeanor. Even if you are confident in your stance, telling someone they are wrong is likely to damage their ego and trigger defensiveness, diminishing the possibility of encouraging them to consider your perspective.

Secondly, make an effort to understand the situation from their perspective. It is possible that the issue appears entirely different when viewed from their vantage point. Consider the notion that both parties may have valid viewpoints depending on their perspective.

Lastly, adopt a humble approach and acknowledge the possibility that you might be mistaken. This can strengthen the rapport between you and the other party, increasing the likelihood of achieving a positive outcome.

Key idea 4

Utilize the potency of affirmative responses to empower your ability to influence.

In the pre-digital era, people discovered shared interests through conversations as their relationships developed. However, social media has transformed this dynamic. Now, we can easily learn about someone’s hobbies, passions, or political views without meeting them in person, simply by checking their social media profiles.

Furthermore, social media platforms bring together individuals with similar interests. When you follow an account dedicated to a musician, celebrity, or charity, you’re essentially joining a virtual community of people who share your interests, even if you’ve never met them in real life.

Similarly, your blog or social media presence provides opportunities to connect with your followers, regardless of whether you’ve met them face-to-face. When someone chooses to follow you, it’s like them giving you a virtual “yes.” Once you have their initial approval, you gain the potential to influence them.

The act of saying “yes” generally puts people in a positive frame of mind, making them more receptive. Therefore, the more affirmative responses you can elicit from someone, the greater your capacity to influence them becomes

Microsoft employed the “yes” technique during the development of Windows 7, recognizing the formidable competition from Apple and the need to regain customer trust after the failure of Windows Vista.

Rather than trying to imitate Apple’s sleek advertising strategies, Microsoft took a different approach. They issued an open invitation on YouTube, inviting users to submit videos under the theme “I’m a PC.” Every user who participated was essentially endorsing Windows with a “yes.” Microsoft then compiled these user-generated videos to launch their new marketing campaign. By involving users in online advertisements, Microsoft conveyed that they valued their customers, leading to a second affirmative response and turning users into brand advocates who shared the ads with their friends.

Empathy played a significant role in this campaign as well. Microsoft actively sought feedback from users to inform the development of Windows 7. As a result, they incorporated a tagline into their campaign that attributed the ideas behind Windows 7 to their users. By investing time in understanding user preferences and publicly acknowledging their contributions on social media, Microsoft harnessed the power of “yes” from their supporters to fuel their marketing efforts.

Key idea 5

True influence is not self-serving.

In a culture that often emphasizes winning and grabbing the spotlight, many believe that the path to success involves taking as much credit and attention as possible. However, adopting this approach can significantly diminish your capacity to influence others. Authentic influence, in fact, relies on nurturing relationships.

Consider your closest friend as an example. Is this person someone who constantly talks about themselves, or do they make you feel valued and important? Similarly, think about the best manager you’ve ever had. Did they claim all the credit when your projects succeeded, or did they acknowledge and celebrate the contributions of everyone on the team?

Although it might seem counterintuitive, when we freely acknowledge and share credit, we ultimately benefit more, both personally and professionally. Think about your feelings toward your most selfless friend or the boss who publicly praises your work in front of the CEO. These are the individuals to whom you feel the strongest loyalty and are willing to go the extra mile to support in return for their encouragement.

Providing credit through genuine expressions of gratitude holds the most influential power because it doesn’t come across as insincere flattery intended to manipulate others. An excellent example of this type of credit-giving can be observed during award ceremonies when the winner takes the stage to deliver their acceptance speech. The most impactful speeches are those in which the winner acknowledges the contributions of all the individuals who played a part in their success. If these individuals are present in the audience and the camera captures their reactions, they are often deeply moved by the winner’s heartfelt words. It’s almost certain that they will go to great lengths to support the winner in their future endeavors.

When your focus shifts toward helping others succeed, rather than solely pursuing your own goals, you begin to build a community that genuinely desires to see its members thrive. We are all familiar with the saying about achieving success by surrounding ourselves with high achievers. However, what if you made the choice to support your friends in their pursuit of success rather than trying to hitch a ride with achievers who have no vested interest in your well-being? Your friends will be more dedicated to helping you reach your goals than strangers, making it a logical decision to provide them with your support. In the process, you will also strengthen your relationships.

Key idea 6

Leverage a positive approach to inspire better performance in others.

In the digital age, negative information spreads rapidly. A single tweet or email can quickly disseminate unfavorable news to thousands of individuals with a simple click. Additionally, our evolutionary programming has ingrained in us a tendency to focus on the negative, which is a survival mechanism. However, this inclination extends beyond events to include our perceptions of people. We tend to concentrate more on an individual’s negative traits or actions rather than their positive ones. When seeking to exert influence, especially when conveying negative information, it’s essential to take this aspect into consideration.

As a leader overseeing a team, providing performance feedback is a necessary task. Often, leaders make the mistake of immediately addressing an employee’s shortcomings or mistakes. Even if you attempt to soften the criticism with a compliment, the employee may primarily perceive that they have failed. Once an individual feels like a failure, their performance is likely to decline. To foster employee growth, it’s crucial to help them maintain a positive outlook.

Basketball coach Trent Lorcher had a highly effective approach in such situations. When his team faced a significant loss due to missed free throws, his initial impulse might have been to express his frustration by yelling. However, he refrained from doing so. Instead, he chose to commend his players for their aggressive play that led to the free throws. Subsequently, he organized an hour-long practice session focusing on free throws, aimed at rebuilding the team’s confidence. This combination of praise and extra practice played a pivotal role in restoring their self-assurance.

Lorcher’s strategy was successful because it began with a genuine positive acknowledgment – that the team had succeeded in obtaining the free throws initially. This fact was indisputable, making it clear that the praise was not an attempt to mask criticism. Furthermore, Lorcher provided the team with a clear path to improvement – a dedicated training session for free throws. This action conveyed his belief that with additional practice, they could achieve success in the future.

In situations akin to Lorcher’s, face-to-face feedback was the only viable option. However, in office settings, there may be a temptation to deliver feedback via email to avoid uncomfortable in-person conversations. Nonetheless, when aiming to positively influence a team, it is crucial always to provide feedback in person. This approach facilitates a more natural and productive conversation compared to email, enabling your praise to be perceived as more genuine and fostering greater receptiveness among your employees.

Key idea 7

Inspire others by shifting your perspective on failure.

In 2011, the April edition of the Harvard Business Review delved into the uncomfortable topic of failure, exploring various facets such as understanding and learning from it, as well as recovering from it. Interestingly, there was no mention of avoiding failure.

Failure is a common experience in every person’s life, often occurring multiple times. It can manifest in various forms, from not making the high-school football team to missing out on a dream job, and from personal relationships not working out to passion projects not succeeding. With the advent of the internet, failures can now be more publicly visible than ever.

Considering that failure is an inevitable part of life, it’s somewhat surprising that we aren’t more supportive of others when they face it. However, being supportive is not only a matter of empathy but also serves our own interests, especially when dealing with individuals we’re responsible for, such as team members or family.

Fostering a supportive attitude towards failure is crucial for helping people rebuild their confidence and ensuring that their long-term performance remains unaffected. In workplaces that acknowledge the inevitability of mistakes and view them as opportunities for learning, employees are more inclined to experiment, innovate, and readily admit their failures. This openness allows for the early identification of potential issues, preventing them from escalating into larger problems.

Creating an environment that encourages resilience in the face of failure begins with fostering open communication. It’s essential not just to address mistakes or setbacks as they occur but also to recognize the potential ways a project might fail even before your team embarks on it. By acknowledging the possibility of failure upfront, any associated stigma can be removed.

It’s crucial to always differentiate between a failed project and the individuals who worked on it. For instance, when a new magazine experienced a setback despite a year of hard work by an executive, her manager took the initiative to publicly commend her. He acknowledged that senior management had supported the project, and praised the magazine’s content and marketing efforts. This clear separation between the executive and the magazine allowed her to maintain her self-esteem and motivation.

The support and leadership you provide to your team will significantly influence their response to failure. Strive to be the kind of leader who uplifts employees when projects don’t meet expectations.

Key idea 8

Acknowledging achievements boosts productivity.

In 2010, Best Western hotels introduced a Facebook page titled “Wallace Should Win”, which garnered over 2700 visitors in its first week. This page aimed to celebrate the achievements of Wallace Pope, a dedicated single father and long-time Best Western employee in Chicago. Pope had been nominated for a Stars of the Industry Award, recognizing exceptional employees, and Best Western was determined to support this candidacy. Pope’s infectious positivity and warm smile had earned the hotel numerous loyal customers. Furthermore, the Facebook page provided a platform for people to express their gratitude for Pope’s exceptional service.

When individuals receive praise, they are naturally inclined to continue the behaviors that led to such recognition. Conversely, if positive actions go unnoticed, people tend to discontinue them. Therefore, if you wish to motivate an employee, offering praise is crucial.

Praising someone isn’t solely about boosting their morale; it’s also one of the twelve key indicators of workplace success, according to Marcus Buckingham and Curt Koffman, authors of “First, Break All the Rules.” However, not all forms of praise are equally effective if you intend to enhance your team’s performance through regular acknowledgment.

To effectively use praise as a tool for motivation, there are three key principles to keep in mind:

1. Ensure that your praise is always genuine and specific. General expressions of gratitude may be seen as mere courtesy, but when you specify what you appreciate about an employee’s actions, it carries more weight and encourages the desired behavior.
2. Timing is crucial; don’t delay your praise. The most impactful time to acknowledge and commend positive behavior or successes is immediately after they occur. This prompt acknowledgment establishes a strong link between the action and your praise. Delaying recognition until a staff meeting or performance review diminishes its impact.
3. Offer public praise for your team members, as Best Western did for Pope. Publicly expressing admiration for someone’s work not only makes them feel genuinely appreciated but also serves as a source of inspiration, motivating them to put in even greater effort.

Remember, when you praise someone, you are conveying not only your recognition of their performance but also your appreciation for them as individuals. This fosters loyalty and commitment, qualities that contribute to overall success.

Final Overview

The key message in this book is that:

The internet offers an expansive platform for reaching and impacting a larger audience than ever before. Whether you join online communities, establish your own blog, or engage on social media, you have the opportunity to build a following to support causes you’re passionate about. However, your approach should aim to avoid alienation, conflict, or shutting down others, as this won’t garner support or change people’s perspectives. To succeed, it’s crucial to authentically connect with others by maintaining a calm, open-minded, and positive demeanor.

Here’s some practical advice: Practical Tip:

Recognize the positive qualities in others. Modern life, with its constant influx of emails and text messages, often leaves us with limited mental space to truly connect with meaningful aspects. Nonetheless, dedicating time to acknowledge the positive qualities in others – such as a child’s bravery or a neighbor’s kindness – can yield substantial benefits. You not only gain influence but also empower the individuals you recognize. Social media serves as an excellent platform to affirm the goodness in your friends, family, colleagues, and followers. It allows you to remind others of the inherent goodness within us all, which is deserving of acknowledgment.